No Peace
by LinsteadFix
Summary: Oh, I can't get no sleep And I sure won't, I sure won't find no peace Linstead - Inspired by Sam Smith's song "No Peace"


_My feet pound against the pavement as we run after the suspect. I'm almost there, almost within reach. We can get this guy. Suddenly he vanishes, and I stop short. I turn to look at Jay, but he's gone too. He's in front of me, turning the corner as he runs. I start running again, trying to catch up to him._

 _"Wait!" I yell._

 _I keep running but my legs aren't moving as fast as I want them to. He didn't wait for me, even though I told him to when I started driving to his location. He's supposed to wait for backup but he's an impulsive idiot sometimes. I check my surroundings. We're running through a big tunnel, there are lights but it's still hard to see. I can hear Jay yelling after the suspect but I can't see them. They're too far ahead._

 _Suddenly I hear a gunshot. And another one. Followed by at least five more. I keep running as fast as I can to get to my partner._

 _"Jay!"_

...

I jump up in my bed. Another nightmare.

I'm still having dreams about that night. It changed everything and nothing will ever be the same again. It haunts me all day, and I see it in my head every time I close my eyes. I don't think I've slept a nice since it happened.

I change into my sweats and quietly walk out of our bedroom. I walk over to the big windows in the living room as I light up a cigarette. I'm about to open the window to make sure the smell won't stay in the apartment when I see his reflection on the glass. I slowly open it anyways, taking another pull, breathing in the toxic smoke.

"That stuff will kill." he says softly, still looking at the back of my head.

"And?"

"And? It's not healthy, Erin.'

"You know what else isn't healthy? This relationship. Nothing about this is healthy anymore." I say as I turn around to face him.

"Because I didn't listen to you?" he asks.

"Yes! That's exactly why! You didn't wait, you just ran after this guy as if you're invincible! Newsflash, you're not and we both saw it first hand." I don't want to listen to his excuses any longer so I grab my coat and leave him behind. And it breaks my heart but I can't help myself.

* * *

The next day, after work, I immediately drove off to Mollys. I needed a drink, a strong one. Our friends ignored my presence, they knew that this was what I wanted. They just pretended like I wasn't there.

"Penny for your thoughts?" he whispers into my ear, kissing my cheek gently after. I smile at him like a teenage girl. He does that to me, he can always change my mood in a split second.

"You're following me."

"What makes you think that?" he asks with a smirk, "maybe I'm here to see our friends? Ever thought about that? Not everything is about you, Miss Lindsay."

"I doubt that but whatever you say." I sarcastically scoff, "I have to admit, I'm a little tipsy. And I don't want to fight anymore. And I'm hungry."

"Let's get you out of here then, get some deep dish, what do you say?" he winks.

"I'm down." I get up and walk over to Hermann to pay my bill but he just shakes his head and gives me a small smile. I nod back as thanks and turn around to follow Jay but Kim's face suddenly pops into my vision, and I almost run her over.

"Hey," she says.

"Hey," I smile, waiting for her to continue.

"So, I was just wondering because you've seemed a little off, which I totally get don't get me wrong. But I was just wondering if you're doing okay?" she asks honestly. I look over her shoulder and see Jay waiting outside already, waving me over.

"Uhm," I'm trying to focus back on her, "yeah, totally. Thanks for asking though." I gently rub her arm and give her a simple smile as I'm walking around her to leave Mollys. I get where she is coming from though. The past few weeks have been constant ups and downs and I appreciate her looking out for me.

* * *

The next morning, I'm on my way up to the bullpen, clearly still too tired. Jay is right behind me on the stairs. The team is all gathered together, I can hear them whispering. I reach the top of the stairs to see them all standing around Jay's desk, they immediately snap their heads into my direction.

"What are you doing?" I ask quietly. Adam looks at me stepping forward.

"Erin, it's time," he almost whispers.

"That didn't answer my fucking question, Adam! What the hell are you doing?!"

"Erin," Antonio steps forward. "We have to, it's been 4 months."

I feel betrayed, "this is unbelievable." I whisper to myself. I turn around but no sign of Jay, so I face the unit again. "What about Jay? You can't just-" at that moment Hanks door swings open.

"What's going on out here." his grumpy voice is filling the entire bullpen. I step to the side to face him.

"Did you tell them to do this?!" This must've been Hank's idea. My breathing is uneven, I don't think I've ever been this angry with him before.

"Look, Erin, they told me his replacement will be here on Monday. I can't exactly have the guy sitting in the break room." his voice is calm.

"Replacement? Do you really think we can just replace him like that? Like he never meant anything?!" I yell at him; I'm fuming, I can't keep my voice down, what the hell was he thinking?

Suddenly I feel someones touch on my shoulder and turn around again, it's Kim.

"Erin, you can't keep pretending like he'll suddenly walk into this bullpen one morning. We all want that, believe me, but it's not going to happen, and you're just going to have to come to terms with that." her voice is so soft, it's almost impossible to be angry with her. But I am and that won't change anytime soon.

"You know what?" my voice is steady now, I'm no longer yelling, it won't make a difference, "Fuck you, all of you." I rush past them into the direction of the locker room.

I'm almost running when I'm getting lost in a memory, the worst memory of my life...

* * *

 _I keep running but my legs aren't moving as fast as I want them to. He didn't wait for me, even though I told him to when I started driving to his location. He's supposed to wait for backup but he's an impulsive idiot sometimes. I check my surroundings. We're running through a big tunnel, there are lights but it's still hard to see. I can hear Jay yelling after the suspect but I can't see them. They're too far ahead._

 _Suddenly I hear a gunshot. And another one. Followed by at least five more. I keep running as fast as I can to get to my partner._

 _"Jay!" I scream out for him, getting no answer. I can't feel my legs anymore but it doesn't stop me or slow me down. It takes me another minute of running when I finally see something. Two people on the ground, my heart sinks into my stomach expecting the worst, one of them must be him._

 _"Erin! You don't know if it's safe!" Ruzek yells after me but I ignore it. I don't give a shit about safety right now. All I care about is one of the two, unmoving, men laying on the pavement. The one that's my fiancée. The one that asked me to marry him only 2 months ago. It feels like I've been running for hours before I finally reach him. I drop down to my knees beside him._

 _"Jay, are you okay?! Talk to me, come on baby please." He is still breathing and his eyes are open. "Ruzek, call an ambulance!" I check his body for injuries. There are gunshot wounds. He was shot twice. One bullet to the chest, and another next to his collarbone in his shoulder on the other side._

 _He's bleeding, there is so much blood. His once white shirt now soaked red. His baseball cap is next to him, it must've fallen off when he dropped to the ground. He was undercover, that's why it took me so long to catch up with him; I couldn't identify him out of his usual outfit fast enough. I'm trying my best to control the bleeding but it seems impossible. His blood is seeping out between my fingers, covering my engagement ring, the beautiful diamond ring that once belonged to his mother._

 _"Jay, hold on okay? You got this. Please." My voice sounds strange to me, as if it's somebody else talking. He's having a hard time breathing, I can see it's getting worse. He starts coughing blood and even though he's the one who got shot, I've never felt this much pain in my life. This can't be happening. I see his eyelids start to drop._

 _"Hey! No, no, no. Don't close your eyes. Stay with me, please." I'm rambling, I know I am. But I just need him to stay awake "You can't just leave me, not now. Not like this. You still have to make me Mrs. Halstead, remember? We still need to have a long, happy marriage together, and move to Wisconsin with our babies. You promised me our future." at this point I can't stop the tears from falling._

 _He smirks at that. The smirk that made me fall for him to begin with._

 _"Mrs. Halstead," he coughs again, "I like the sound of that."_

 _"Yeah, me too," I sniff, trying to maintain the pressure on his wound._

 _"It's cold, Er. I'm tired." his voice is getting weaker with every word._

 _"I know, believe me, I do. But I need you to stay awake, okay? Can you do that for me?" I'm trying my best to sound hopeful, to remain hopeful but it's getting harder with every passing second. "Tell them to hurry up, Adam!" I scream over my shoulder, my eyes stay focused on him._

 _"It's okay, baby." his voice is only a whisper. "I'm glad that I get...to spend my...last moments with you."_

 _"Don't say that, you're going to be fine." he frowns at my words, as if he's trying to tell me that I'm wrong but doesn't have enough strength to shake his head. I can hear the sirens coming closer. They should be here any second._

 _"I love you, Erin." a heavy breath leaves his mouth at that, he's having trouble staying awake any longer, I can see it._

 _"I love you too, more than anything." I sob, holding the side of his face with my bloody hand. I lean over to kiss his cheek and he smiles at me as his eyes fall shut. Everything from that moment on is like a blur. Paramedics are suddenly next to me, I didn't hear them coming. I didn't hear anything except those last four words he whispered, they're replaying in my head over and over again when I feel someone pulling me away from behind._

 _"Help him, please! You have to help him!" I scream._

 _"Erin, let them do their job. There's nothing you can do. Give them space." Adams' voice cracks too, and I know he's trying his best to stay calm himself. Having to hold me back doesn't make it easier for him._

 _His arms are wrapped around me from behind when the paramedics turn around to face us. Sylvie's eyes look pained, she's shaking her head at us and in that moment I fall down to my knees, pulling Adam down with me. He doesn't let go of me though. He keeps holding me as I cry all my tears, next to the body of my now-dead fiancée._

 _Jay Halstead._

* * *

I'm unable to breathe. The weight on my chest getting heavier with every second that passes, every memory of that painful day filling me. I can escape into the locker room. I need to get my stuff and get out of here, as far away as possible.

Finally, I reach my locker and there is his face again. Right next to mine, his hand slung around my waist. Reese took this photo of us at Kim and Adams wedding last year. Jay was wearing his favorite suit that night; the one he told me was his favorite because it was the suit he wore the night he fell in love with me. The night we went out to dinner and drinks instead of going to my high school reunion.

I look at my face, the genuine smile that I know will never be there again, not without him. I slam the door shut, breathing heavy. This can't be it. This can't be the end of our story. How am I supposed to move on from this? I walk over to the sink to catch my breath, leaning on it as I watch my tears dropping down the drain.

And I feel his presence again, or just make it up in my mind... I don't even know any more at this point. I'm probably just crazy and everyone knows it except me.

"You're not crazy, Erin. You're grieving." his voice is so soft it makes me cry even more. He's the only one who understands, he was the only one who truly knew me. I look up into the mirror. He's there right behind me, His figure blurred by my falling tears. He comes closer to put his hand on my shoulder and it feels so real to me. This can't just be happening in my head. Right?

"Don't say that to me."

"I'm not saying this to hurt you, I'm saying it to stop you from hurting yourself. This isn't healthy and you know it, Er." he looks sad, and I am the reason why. He blames himself for my shitty decisions. And his own that led me to make mine. He didn't wait for me and we're both paying the price, forever.

I need to sit down because I know what is about to happen. He follows me to the little bench between his and my own locker, sitting down right in front of me, taking my hands into his. Jays thumb gently rubs my hand right next to his mother's ring. He just looks at me, waiting for me to say something. I take a few moments to get lost in his eyes one more time. One last time. Those eyes that had me compelled since the first time I laid eyes on him. Right now they're filled with sadness and sorrow and it's breaking my heart.

"So, I guess it's time? Is that what you're trying to tell me?" I whisper and a single tear burns my skin, rolling down my face. I didn't think I'd have any left. He just nods sadly, tears pooling in his eyes as well. One hand reaches up to cup the side of my face while the other is still holding my hands tight. He's drawing patterns on my cheek with his thumb the way he always did when he was trying to comfort me.

"Promise me something?" he asks quietly.

"Anything." I sniffle.

"Don't build up those walls again, okay? It would make me sad to know that no one else gets to see this side of you; the simultaneously beautiful and incredibly vulnerable part of you. I don't want people to think that this broke you. You have been through so much, I couldn't stand the thought of being the one that breaks you for good. And please don't ever think that being happy means that you're forgetting about me. I know how you think, Lindsay." his voice sounds hopeful as if all of this somehow has a purpose. I don't know what to think about that if I'm honest.

"I will never forget you, Jay Halstead." I smile softly and I can see that he's semi-satisfied with my reply.

"I know, babe. I'll be right here watching over you and making sure of it." We're both smiling sadly, tears creeping into our eyes once again.

"My hero."

"That's why you have backup." a throaty laugh escapes my mouth at his comment.

"Yeah, I guess so." I know it's time. He's been with me for too long already. And I know I have to let go. I need to make peace with it, otherwise, there will be no peace for him and I can't deny him that. He deserves to find peace.

He pulls me in for one last kiss, his lips as soft as I remember them. I can feel his warmth leaving me, my hands can't feel his touch anymore. When he pulls away he has this little smirk on his face that always made me weak in the knees.

""I'll be waiting for when you come back home to me. I love you, Erin."

"I love you too," I tell him and immediately start to panic when I see him slowly fade away. "Jay-"

"It's okay, Erin. Just close your eyes. You'll be okay." His voice is soft, soothing. He knows this is it.

So I do it. I close my eyes because that's the last thing he's asked me to do. And the second I start to feel cold, I know he's gone. But I need to make sure so I can finally accept it. I'm scared, but I do it anyway.

I take a deep breath and slowly open my eyes. All I can find is the empty locker room.

He's gone.

 _So I'll light up a cigarette_

 _I'll drink it down 'til there's nothing left_

 _'Cause I sure can't get no sleep_

 _And Lord knows there's not relief_

 _You held my heart in your fingertips_

 _So now I drown in the bitterness_

 _Oh, I can't get no sleep_

 _And I sure won't, I sure won't find no peace_

 **A/N: Thanks for reading this little fic, I hope you enjoyed it! Please drop a review and let me now what you thought :)**


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